I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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