I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
