I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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