Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
