She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
