i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
