I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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