He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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