i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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