i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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