I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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