Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
