Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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