The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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