Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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