sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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