gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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