Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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