Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
