I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
