you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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