all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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