Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
