I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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