I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
