I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
