dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
