I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
