i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
