you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
