I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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