i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
