I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Farmville is her only friend.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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