I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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