The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
pray to the hookup gods
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
