nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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