sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
