im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
