worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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