Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
