Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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