Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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