this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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