Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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