I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My liver just had a heart attack.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize