Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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