so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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