I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
