Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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