I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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