I didn't shave. On purpose
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
