he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My liver just had a heart attack.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
